Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Finding my Zen

Several years ago, I was fond of saying, "I'm so laid back, I'm horizontal" Not much bothered me. I didn't fly off the handle. I didn't freak out over stuff. I was very, very mellow. Very, very chilled out, level headed, just plain old unflappable.

Somewhere along the line, I've lost that. Daily I feel I'm on the verge of freaking the fuck out on someone. I feel like I'm just this close to losing my shit over something that not too long ago wouldn't have bothered me one little bit.

This bothers me. I don't want to be known for having a short fuse, a bad temper, or just being a bitch, but I feel like I've become all of the above. After last year's scathing mid-year review, and the revelation that people are afraid to ask me questions because they didn't know if I'd snap on them or not (Silly me, I didn't even realize this) I started thinking about it. To my defense, I was in a VERY bad place 'professionally' last year at this time, what with being in a new position lacking direction (and I wish I could vent all that here, alas, I promised I wouldn't, and the spies are still afoot, or should I say, ablog)

Anyway, I'm very bothered by this. I want my Zen back. I want to not be bothered by stupid shit that, next year, won't be remembered by anyone. I think now that I'm more aware of it, I can remember to breathe and not freak, but it's going to be a constant battle until I'm back in my quiet head again.



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