Monday, September 08, 2008


So here I sit, coffee at my elbow, using the free wi-fi in the hotel room. Overlooking beautiful Rehoboth Beach. Ah.

The trip down was uneventful, except for the three mile - 2 hour backup to get on the Bay Bridge. I guess there are closed lanes on the bridge, and a small amount of construction. No worries. At least Mom smoked with her window cracked.

I'm trying to relax. Apparently I'm more stressed out that I've given myself credit for. I've been mildly dizzy for days now. But I have a little sore throat, so I've been thinking I've got some kind of inner ear thing, or the beginnings of a cold. Saturday I felt like crap all day, but I credited that to two pitchers of Coors Light before bed.

Yesterday I felt pretty spunky in the morning. Mom & I stopped for the traditional lunch (chicken nachos & a salad) en route. We can usually demolish the nachos and most of the salad. I ate about 1/4 of the nachos, and only the brisket off the salad. I felt kind of woozy and lightheaded, and the smell of grease coming from the onion rings at the next table was making me think I was going to throw up. After some water, I started feeling better, and drove the rest of the way here. Very odd. We walked around town and got some ice cream (small!!) and came back to the room, I read for a little while, and turned in at 10:00.

Today I'm still a little dizzy, but not queasy or anything else. I went out earlier and walked the mile up and back on the boardwalk, and got coffees for Mom & I. During my walk, I paused and did a number of 'deep cleansing breaths' with the ocean. I think I'm being pulled in so many different directions that I am not mindful of living anymore. I'm on autopilot. I don't think autopilot is a good thing either. As I sit here and type this, I'm thinking back over the past several months, and I remember how much stress I've actually put myself under. Work is the biggest stress maker of all. Everyone there tells me 'its not worth it' 'don't stress about this place' 'leave it here after 5:00'. Even one of the bosses told me that I don't get paid to worry about things there. (Huh?)

I think it's time I took their advice, and start leaving that shit behind me, and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Will I be able to do that? I have no clue. But since I used to be the most laid back person ever, and now I'm ready to snap at a moment's notice, I think something needs to change. This is no way to live. Maybe once I start relaxing, the creativity will come back, and the weight will start coming off (Dig mid-July, early August, I lost 10 pounds. Between the end of August and now I gained 8 back...what the fuck?!)



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