Monday Again....So Soon?!

And it rained again last night. Oh what joy! The humidity is at record levels, the ants are back in my kitchen, everything seems damp. But the yard is so green...And the garden is weeded. Thats good. At least something was accomplished over the weekend.

And Mom had a picnic yesterday. With the usual guests. It wasn't particularly fun. After a couple hours of sitting amid their discussions, the air started to get thin, the walls started to close in, and I was looking for an out.

Finally around 7:30, we said our goodbyes.. "Why are you leaving so soon?" they cried. "Um, work tomorrow...yeah, thats it, we have to be in to work early! Bye! See ya! Thanks for the food!" and we ran to the truck and got out to the main road just as fast as we could go. Sheeeesh.

"But Ames!" you say, "You don't visit your Mom much. Why would you leave so fast?" Let me tell you:

In a stunning self - preservation move, Obbie volunteered to man the grill. As he came back in, carrying the platters of hot dogs, burgers, and sausages, my Mother sings out, "Oh Obbie!! You've assimilated well with this group!!" Assimilated? Huh? (Resistance is futile!)

Moms went to Cape Cod on a bus trip. Every one of the pics she took was out of focus. "I guess we'll have to teach you to use the auto focus on your digital camera, Mom. These are awful!" "I didn't use the digital camera. There wasn't any space left in the memory, and I don't have a memory stick, and I didn't know where the cord was, so I found an old disposable camera under the seat in my truck, so I used that." The woman has a top of the line (last year anyway) Sony. She takes pictures of her dogs, cats, and the flowers in the back yard, with that, but one her vacation, she'll use some scuzzy disposable camera she found under the seat in her truck. Hm. I see.

She is now an expert about whales. Her tour group went on a whale watch. She went on and on about the whales 'sounding' next to the boat, and how she saw one's flukes right up close. (There were a couple fuzzy whale pics too) Of course, she bought the video they were hawking over the whale watch.

Obbie and I talked about the NYC visit. She dismissed that with a wave of her hands. "Oh I just couldn't stand the big city! Theres too much going on, and it's too dirty! I just couldn't staand it." (Thats good because now I don't have to feel bad about NOT taking you)

Then there was the shopping. Oh the shopping. Moms is a big shopper. I've cried UNCLE on many shopping trips with her. Seriously. She's bought stuff that hasn't ever been taken out of the bag. (I think it stems from back in the day when she was a struggling divorced mother of two, and couldn't buy anything for her. Now she shops with a vengence) She buys stuff and "puts it in a safe place" and promptly loses them. I've gotten many gifts after the fact because she didn't remember in which safe place she put them. Alas, the beads she bought me in Providencetown (How Quaint! How Charming!) went missing, but the shirt she bought me didn't. Picture this: Oxford button down shirt. Tiny green and white stripes. (Good so far) and PALM TREES appliqued in 6 different places. Not just appliqued palm trees, my friends, but appliqued palm trees WITH A GREEN RHINESTONE on every single one of them. And a matching tank top to boot. 6 little palm trees, all for me. I'm just overwhelmed. All I need now is a pair of lime green shorts and some lime green sandals, and I'll be quite the fashion statement.

She prefaced this gift by saying, "I know this isn't your style, and if you hate it I understand, I'll keep it for me or try and get in touch with the store and see if I can possibly return it. I know you're not going to like it." (Why buy it then?) And she's right. I don't like it, it's not me, and it's quite likely that I'll never wear it. But since it was a gift, and it came with the introduction it did, what am I going to say? It's just easier to grin and bear it and never wear it, and let her think I am THRILLED to own a big green and white striped shirt with rhinestoned palm trees, than to tell her, "Oh Jesus Mother, it's the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen!!"

Later came the rant about the fat people on the tour bus. She takes on this whole haughtly, holier than thou attitude, complete with looking down her nose: "Every morning we had a buffet (said boo-fay) breakfast, and these people piled their plates up this high (motions with her hands) with eggs and bacon and sausage. EVERY DAY! I ate the beautiful fruit they had laid out for us. You could tell that the bacon and eggs people don't ever eat fruit, nor exercise because they were very round. You know, I was older than a lot of them, but much more fit and healthy." All said while waving a cigarette around for emphasis. (I had to remind her that when she and I are at the beach, she has coffee, pastries and cigarettes for breakfast. I did stop short of reminding her that she ate a half of a large everything pizza at Grotto the last time we were at the beach...)

Hmph.

There was more. Much, much more. But it's early, and frankly, I don't have the gut to relive that again. I love my Mom, but theres a reason for 60 miles of interstate between us. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow, where I can work on my chain maille and not have any social obligations, maybe throw some meat on the barbie and just chill.