Monday, October 18, 2004


There I was yesterday, happily replanting about a million daffodils, minding my own business. I replanted 50 or so, and the parakeet attention span kicked in. So I went inside, hoping to catch a little football. Imagine my glee at two, TWO messages on my machine! Oh boy! I played them back. The first one went a little something like this: "Hi. It's me. I'd really like it if you'd come down. I need some normalacy in my life. Bye." (My friend Lisa) Second message, "Yeah, I know, I haven't talked to you in three weeks since spilling my guts to you, but I think it'd be really cool if you came down to have dinner with us tonight. I have some halibut I'm going to do Asian style, and I think you should come help us eat it. Things are really weird here in my life, and I need to see you. Okay. Bye." (Lisa again) Knowing high drama when I hear it, I called back. Long story bearable, her world was just too weird for her to bear, and could I pleeease come down and eat dinner with her, Jeff and the kids. It'd mean alot. Okay, sure. My Sundays are sacred, but I'll do it for you, dear.

An hour later I arrived at her house. She's in bed. Wearing the clothes from the night before. The first hour I was there, I had a conversation with the top of her head sticking out from under the quilt. How weird IS her world you ask? Her Dad is near 80, and has taken to crying at the drop of a hat. Her brother is having an affair. Her other brother is in New Jersey taking care of some dying lesbian spinster. Her mother has divirticultis. The third brother and sister in law are planning the wedding of the decade for their only (straight) son on...HALLOWEEN. Lisa is catering the bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding dinner. (I volunteered to help if she needed me. Oh no, her equally dramatic friend Alisha will be doing that.) Lets see, what else. Oh, her friend Holly's life partner has terminal cancer, another friends father tried to kill his wife with a shotgun, and our extremely talented friend Linda is having surgery today to take away all the excess skin from her gastric bypass.

Not to mention Lisa's husband has moved out of their house, but hangs out there and takes care of their children while she's working. (He's a 56 year old pot smoking antique dealer/picker who hasn't quite grown up.)

Meanwhile, she's eating anti-depressants like M&M's, and planning these very elaborate wedding/rehearsal/bach party meals for a bunch of rednecks (Note: There's nothing wrong with rednecks, but I see no point in making 'Butternut Squash Coulis, little pumpkins made into soup bowls with curried pumpking chowder, and rack of quail...I mean really.)

Is it me, or is all this drama self imposed and blown out of proportion? Does it really have to make one take to your bed for several days? I think not. My job here is to translate that phrase politely.

I quit doing acid over 10 years ago. Now I'm really really glad for it.

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